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When my daughter moved in with us last year school was already started. Not only did she have to get used to being with the new family, she also had to get used to being at a new school. She had quite a few clothes that she could still wear, so we didn’t have to purchase many things for her. She grew like a weed right before our eyes during the summer and of course it was time for new clothes. She struggled with the idea of giving up her old clothes. She knew they were too small for her, but they were hers and no one else’s. I had taken a class once before she moved in and it talked about how it is hard for kids from foster care to let go of their things. Since I knew how she was feeling I was better able to help her deal with the situation.
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I told her that if she cannot wear the clothes wouldn’t be wonderful, instead of keeping the clothes to donate them to someone who could use them. After all, I said, they’re just going to sit in your closet and not be used. She said I know, but they’re mine. Then I asked her, don’t you remember a time when someone gave something to you? She said yes. I then asked her how did she feel when she received the item? She said she was happy. I then said to her, well, wouldn’t you like to make someone else happy? I asked. She said yes. I said, well, how about we donate those clothes to someone just like you that is in need of them and would be happy to have them. Then I said, we will go shopping and get you some new clothes of your very own that you picked out!
She agreed, so we started going through her clothes. This was a challenge for her. Every time she pulled out an outfit she told me where she was and how old she was when she wore it. Sometimes she will look at the outfits that she had in her hand and she would smile, but then other times she will look at the outfit and get sad. The clothes didn’t mean as much to her as the memories. She had moved from place to place with some of these clothes, and that was the only way she could remember about her life. Once realizing this, I told her she can keep some of the clothes that meant the most to her. I didn’t want her to feel as though she had to get rid of her memories and become this whole new person because she was in a new home. So she kept some things and we donated some things. Since then I have purchased her several things that I thought that she would like and I have let her choose her own style.
After shopping my daughter went upstairs and began to put away her new clothes. I came up to help her and I noticed that she had an empty bag. I asked her what was the bag for? And she said mommy, I’m going to give away these old clothes that I can’t wear anymore. I told her that she didn’t have to; she could still keep them because I knew they meant a lot. She said to me, I don’t need them anymore. I want to give them to someone that can use them. That let me knew that she had settled into her new life and was ready to move forward. I am glad that she made the choice and that I did not push her to give her things away. We must always remember that what we think is just things they could be more to these precious children from foster care. So if your older child wants to hold on to something that they are clearly too old for allow them to and they will move on when they are ready!
